Breaking Communication Barriers: Practical Listening Skills for Couples

If you’ve been following along with my listening series for couples, you’re already familiar with some of the common barriers to effective communication that can show up in relationships. Perhaps you’ve already identified some of your and your partner’s own barriers – which may have left you wondering, Okay, what now?

It’s a fair question! While simply identifying some of the causes of you and your partner’s listening issues in your relationship can be helpful – it may help you understand your partner better, and take their behavior less personally – it’s probably not enough just to know the why. If you’re looking for the how – how to address these communication barriers, so you and your partner can listen better and build connection – this post will give you an idea of where to start.

I broke my advice down into two sections: tips for the communicator and tips for the listener (obviously these roles are fluid, so both sections are relevant to both partners). When we have an issue with our partner’s behavior (i.e. my partner isn’t listening to me), it can be easy to put the full responsibility on them. But communication, like relationships, is a two-way street – both partners play a role in the process.

If you’re reading this blog post because you feel unheard by your partner, I hope that you find these relationship communication tips empowering. While you can’t force your partner to listen or to work on their listening skills, there are things you yourself can start doing today to avoid bumping up against some of these barriers and foster better connection.

Overcoming Defensiveness

Communicating better:

• Avoid accusations. Focus on the feelings (your own) that resulted from that behavior, and always avoid making judgments on your partner’s character. Try for a gentle tone and neutral facial expressions.

• Acknowledge your partner’s perspective as you share your own.

• Provide reassurance. “I want to clarify that this isn’t an attack on you – I’m just expressing how I feel.

• Try Marshall Rosenberg’s “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC). This involves making an observation, communicating your feelings, expressing your needs, and then making a request.

Listening better:

• Practice emotional regulation techniques.

• Notice your partner’s specific choice of words. Are they making a criticism of your actions or of your person? Are they being insulting and accusing, or are they just sharing their feelings?

• Practice mindfulness during conversations in order to recognize when you start feeling defensive. Look for signs like physical tension, getting sarcastic or dismissive, or shutting down.

• Identify the underlying fear. Defensiveness is an attempt at protecting yourself from something. Take a moment to try and identify what you’re trying to protect yourself from. If you allow your partner’s experience to be true – what might that mean for you? Does it mean that you’re a bad person or partner? Identifying the underlying fear allows you to respond to it more rationally.

• ‍Challenge the fear/shame/worthlessness and work through underlying issues. No, you’re not a bad person – everyone makes mistakes, and doing so does not immediately soil one’s character. The answer to these questions should be obvious, but if you struggle with your self-worth – simply identifying the underlying fear might not be enough.

Overcoming Assumptions, “Mind-Reading”, and Boredom

Communicating better:

• If you sense your partner is “mind-reading”, name it. “It sounds like you’re assuming what I’m thinking right now. Will you hear me out while I tell you directly instead?”

• Ask for curiosity. “I would appreciate if you’d ask what I mean instead of guessing."

• If you’re revisiting an old conversation – bring attention to what might be different this time. “I know we’ve had this conversation already, but I have some new thoughts I want to share.”

• If boredom is an issue – brainstorm new ways of communicating together. Rather than going through the same old, “How was your day?” routine, spice it up by writing a poem, or acting things out, or drawing pictures.

Listening better:

• Recognize when you are making assumptions. Consider naming them out loud and give your partner a chance to clarify.

• Practice asking questions – even when you think you already know the answer.

• Enter the conversation with a reminder to yourself: your partner is a complex, ever-changing person; you do not necessarily know what’s going on in their head all the time.

• If you find yourself filling in your partner’s words due to impatience – try taking some deep breaths to slow yourself down.

Overcoming Physical & Mental Distractions, Multitasking

Communicating better:

• Be intentional about when and where you approach your partner. Be mindful of your partner’s mental state as well as possible distractions in the environment.

• If you want your partner’s full attention to something you have to say, don’t approach them while they’re doing something else. Wait until they’re finished or, kindly ask them to stop what they’re doing so that you can talk.

• Specifically ask for their attention. Your partner may not even be aware that their mind is half-elsewhere or that you’re expecting their full attention in that moment.

Listening better:

• Practice recognizing your personal distractions – mental and physical.

• Let your partner know when you’re feeling distracted. If possible, make an effort to remove those distractions or ask to reschedule the conversation.
• Make time to listen to your partner when you’re not doing something else.

• Consider turning your phone off or putting it away during conversations with your partner. This experiment suggests that the mere presence of a mobile phone on a nearby table can reduce one’s quality of attention during a conversation. For important conversations, consider putting your phone in another room.

Overcoming Unresolved Past Hurts or Triggers

Communicating better:

• Acknowledge your partner’s discomfort. “I know this is a hard topic for you, so I appreciate you being willing to have this conversation.”

• If your partner shares a trigger or past experience with you, receive it with care, validation, and support. “Thank you for telling me – now that I know, I’ll be more gentle when bringing this up in the future.”

• Talk about new ways of approaching triggering topics together. “Is there something we can do differently to make this conversation less uncomfortable for you?”

Listening better:

• Notice and acknowledge your emotional triggers. “This is a really sensitive topic for me.”

• If necessary – explore these triggers outside of conversations with your partner. If you’re really struggling with a particular trigger, you may benefit from approaching it with a therapist’s support.

Overcoming Differing Communication Styles

Communicating better:

• Identify and learn about your communication style in relationships.

• Ask your partner about their communication preferences. Try adapting your approach  – it will feel a bit unnatural at first, but you may find that the extra effort is worthwhile if your partner is able to be more engaged.

• Be patient with the differences in you and your partner’s communication styles. Remember that everyone has had different life experiences that have led them to form different relationship communication habits. Just because your partner’s communication style is different from yours doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Listening better:

• Focus on the meaning of your partner’s words rather than the delivery. While it is valid to ask your partner to modify their approach, you also need to give your partner space to be themselves. Sometimes that means letting them be in their emotions even if it makes their communication less “effective”. If you do need to address their communication method, do so only after acknowledging and validating the content.

Overcoming a Fear of Vulnerability

Communicating better:

• Work to create emotional safety in your relationship more generally. If past experiences in your relationship have resulted in your partner feeling unsafe expressing vulnerability with you, some greater work might need to be done before you can expect change from your partner.

• Consider time and place when coming to your partner with something. Talk to your partner about what feels like a safe space to them to have difficult conversations.

• Show vulnerability first. You’re not only modeling behavior for your partner, but also sending the message of, “Hey, I’m not coming to this with any weapons/armor – you don’t need yours either.

Listening better:

• Reframe emotional vulnerability in relationships as bravery. It sincerely takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable. Remind yourself of that, and allow yourself to feel proud even in making small steps towards being more open with your partner.

Overcoming Power Struggles

Communicating better:

• Set down your weapons (sarcasm, interrupting, emotional intensity) first. This can be really hard to do when you’re feeling unheard – it might feel like you’re giving up the little power you have. But you can’t force your partner to listen to you, and you may find that the more you escalate your approach, the harder your partner fights back.

• Speak to be understood, not to “win”. Focus on calmly expressing your feelings and needs rather than trying to convince or persuade.

• Ask to take turns. If things are getting heated, it can be helpful to take a more structured approach to communicating/listening. Set a timer for 2 - 5 minutes and take turns speaking – the person listening may not respond until it’s their turn again (this includes eye rolling, sighing, scoffing, etc.).

Listening better:

• Reference tips from Barrier #1 to manage defensiveness as it comes up.

• Practice listening to understand rather than respond. Listening to understand is neutral. It does not involve agreeing or disagreeing, admitting or denying fault, or making judgments on what is being said. It is simply the first step to getting on the same page with your partner so the conversation can proceed in a way that is constructive.

Overcoming a Lack of Communication Skills

Communicating better:

• Communicate how your partner’s specific actions (interrupting, avoiding eye contact, not giving you space to talk, moving around while you’re talking) make you feel. “I’ve noticed that you check your phone frequently while I’m talking to you, which makes me feel insecure about the importance of what I’m saying. I need you to be able to give me your undivided attention sometimes. Would you be willing to put your phone in the other room while we’re catching up at dinner time?”

• Try to avoid making negative assumptions about your partner’s intentions and be curious about their experiences. “Hey, I’ve noticed that you tend to jump in a lot before I’ve finished what I’m saying. Have you ever noticed that? Do you know why you do that?”

• Be patient with your partner as they learn and improve their communication skills for healthy relationships. It helps to acknowledge progress (even when it’s slow) and recognize when your partner is trying (even when it doesn’t completely succeed)

Listening better:

• Spend some time reflecting on your existing ideas and preferences around communication. Ask yourself: How do I show someone that I’m listening? How do I know that I’m listening effectively? When do I think it’s most important to make sure I’m listening?

• Seek out sources other than your partner to learn more about how to communicate better in a relationship. Taking initiative and spending some time learning on your own sends the message: I understand the importance of this. This is a priority to me.

Overcoming Stress, Fatigue, Hunger, and Other Physical Factors in Couples Communication

Communicating Better in Your Relationship:

• Check-in with your partner before talking to them. “Is now a good time to talk to you about something?” Clarifying the general topic and/or emotional weight can be helpful too – after a long day, your partner may have the capacity to listen to you tell a funny story, but less so to hear your feelings on a triggering topic.

• Be willing to defer conversations when necessary. You may have a very real and immediate need to share or process something, but if your partner does not have the emotional capacity to meet that need in that moment, trying to get them to do so anyways is not going to be effective and will probably heighten emotions rather than soothe them. Here are some things you can do instead:
  
  • Talk to someone else about it (when appropriate). There may still be something you need to address with your partner at a later time, but in the meantime, just being able to share your feelings with someone can help you feel better.
    
  • Use journaling as a space to process your emotions and thoughts.
    
  • Use other self-soothing techniques or distract yourself: exercising, watching a favorite show, or spending time with a friend (even if you don’t feel like sharing what’s bothering you, having company can serve as a helpful distraction).
• Ask for regularly scheduled check-ins. Having a designated time and space where active listening is expected allows your partner to plan accordingly. You may need to specify that this preparation is an expectation (for both of you). That way, you and your partner can do your best to show up well-rested, well-fed, and calm — all crucial for effective communication.

Listening Better in Your Relationship:

• Practice identifying your physical and emotional needs. Do you struggle to identify or interpret what your body is telling you? If you’re not able to recognize when you’re hungry, tired, or stressed, trying to respond to these feelings becomes a guessing game.

• Make self check-ins a part of your daily routine. Taking little moments to notice yourself throughout the day will help you start to identify patterns.

• Communicate your needs clearly, and then take action to get them met. Giving your partner some insight into your inner world (“I’m hungry”) can give them helpful context for your mood and behavior (“I don’t have a lot of patience right now”), but you’re also responsible for taking action in response to the needs you’ve identified (fixing yourself a snack, or asking your partner if you can pause the conversation and return to it after dinner).

• Practice stress management techniques regularly. If you’re always stressed, it probably feels like there’s never a “good time” to listen to your partner or give them your full attention. If making lifestyle changes isn’t immediately possible, learning stress management strategies is essential — not just for your listening abilities but for overall improved emotional wellness.

Overcoming Listening Barriers Due to Substance Use

Communicating Better:

• Resist the urge to bring up important topics while your partner is impaired.

• Give your partner advanced notice. If you know you want to talk to your partner about something with their full attention, ask them ahead of time (and make sure they know sobriety is an expectation). Having a regular check-in time scheduled can also be helpful for this.

Listening Better:

• Disclose your consumption of substances prior to spending time together (even if you don’t think you’re impaired).

• Ensure that you are making time to connect with your partner without substances involved. 

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Remember: the roles of “communicator” and “listener” are always alternating, and you and your partner should seek to strengthen your abilities in both roles. Even if your partner hasn’t ever expressed feeling unheard, there are still steps you can take to improve your own active listening skills when they’re the one communicating.

Practicing strong listening skills with your partner isn’t just modeling the behavior you want to see. Ensuring your partner also feels heard creates a feeling of mutual safety, care, and cooperation — a foundation for lasting relationship growth and deeper connection.