“Why Aren’t You Hearing Me?” Ten Reasons Your Partner Isn’t Listening

In my last post, Communication Basics: Listening 101, I introduced the idea of listening in relationships with a brief overview and a promise to go more in depth on a few mentioned topics in future posts. Well, here I am – future Michelle – delivering on my promise! Today we’re going to be talking all about listening barriers in relationships – the things that stop our partners from listening to us, or vice versa, even when we/they want or intend to.

If you haven’t read the first part of our listening series, I recommend doing so before continuing on with this one. While listening may seem like a simple, rather straightforward idea, when it comes to listening in romantic relationships – there’s actually quite a bit of nuance. Listening, which is different from hearing (but often referred to as such), may be different than listening well, which is usually what we mean by “listening” anyway. And active listening in relationships is defined by different, sometimes opposing, standards depending on the people and the situation. So, yeah, just go read the blog post; it’ll give you a stronger foundation for the ideas in this one.

Before getting into our ten common communication barriers in relationships, I’ll just quickly reiterate that the basic definition of listening is: intentionally directing one’s attention towards a sound. However, when we talk about listening in relationships, the definition usually expands to include a basic level of internalization. What I mean by this is that enough attention could theoretically be given to a speaker’s words that the listener would be able to immediately parrot and then forget them – but we probably wouldn’t qualify this as “listening.” Without getting too much into it here, I’ll also just mention that when we say we want our partner to listen to us, we usually mean that we want them to listen to us consistently throughout a conversation – so, we can add to the relational definition of listening: not just directing one’s attention to a sound, but also maintaining it.

Okay, now that you have a basic idea of what we mean when we say relational listening (maintaining one’s attention to while also internalizing another’s words), let’s talk about some reasons why actually doing so can be challenging.

Ten Common Barriers to Listening in Relationships

1. Defensiveness

If your partner feels criticized or attacked by something you’re saying – whether your statement is actually an attack or criticism or not – it can trigger them to move into a defensive state. Think of this state like a shield or a wall that tries to block the “attack” (your words) from piercing through. In short, their attention is moving from your speech to their own self-protection. Maybe they start forming an escape plan or counterargument in their head, or maybe they go into panic mode and shut down completely – either way, it has now become virtually impossible for them to internalize anything you’re saying.

2. Assumptions, “Mind-Reading”, and Boredom

When we’ve known someone for a long time, we may start to feel like we can predict what they’re going to say. This may even be true sometimes – but if your partner is operating under this assumption, they’re going to feel less of a need to pay attention. This may result in them missing new information – and at the very least, it probably hurts your feelings. This can happen both during intense discussions and in everyday conversations; the latter often manifests as boredom. Of course it can be hurtful to feel like you’re boring your partner, but it’s not necessarily personal – novelty enhances attention, and our brains tend to tune out when we think we already know what’s coming.

3. Physical & Mental Distractions, Multitasking

This one may be obvious – duh, distractions impair attention – but it’s important to keep in mind. Distractions may be in the room with you – the TV playing, the kids screaming, the phone buzzing – or in your partner’s head – ruminating thoughts, worries, or anything else on their mind. Individuals with ADHD may struggle more in this regard. If your partner is trying to multitask during conversations, this creates a barrier, too. Multitasking inherently divides attention, meaning they may miss crucial pieces of what you’re saying.

4. Unresolved Past Hurts or Emotional Triggers

Certain topics or even phrases may trigger (often unconscious) associations with past experiences, arguments, or relationships that caused pain. That feeling of, “Oh, not this again,” can quickly shut down listening. These associations may stem from interactions with you, or from experiences earlier in life – sometimes even childhood emotional wounds they’re not fully aware of.

5. Differing Communication Styles

We all take different approaches to communication, and sometimes those approaches may be incompatible. If you’re using a style your partner isn’t familiar or comfortable with, they might become overwhelmed or impatient. Understanding your partner’s communication style in relationships can be an important step to feeling heard.

6. Fear of Vulnerability

This may sound strange at first – aren’t you, the one sharing your thoughts, feelings, and fears, the one who has to be vulnerable? Yes, but – listening requires vulnerability too. It requires an openness, and an ability to receive these things from you – which, often, can result in their own vulnerable feelings in response. Listening might mean confronting hard truths, acknowledging your pain, or sitting with guilt or shame – which can feel terrifying or even unbearable to someone who doesn’t have experience with such.

7. Power Struggles

If listening requires vulnerability, this means power struggles can come into play. In relationships where couples are constantly battling for power or control, listening might even feel like “losing”. In this context, truly listening can feel . . . risky. It might feel like admitting fault, backing down, or giving up influence. Over time, this can lead to an unspoken rule where each partner tunes out anything that threatens their position or challenges their perspective.

8. Lack of Communication Skills

It’s easy to assume people know how to listen – but these skills really aren't a given. Many of us weren’t ever taught how to actually listen, and some people (such as those on the autism spectrum) may find this even more challenging. Your partner may not even realize they’re interrupting, monopolizing the conversation, or sending other cues that make you feel unheard.

9. Stress, Fatigue, Hunger, and Other Physical Factors

Unmet physical needs – like food, rest, or even hydration – can impair attention and listening. When someone is physically depleted or chronically stressed, they’re far less likely to be present and engaged in a conversation, even if they want to be. If your partner is under a lot of pressure at work, struggling with sleep, or otherwise mentally exhausted, it’s going to impact their ability to listen.

10. Impairment Due to Substances

Substances such as marijuana, alcohol, and stimulant drugs directly impact a person’s attention, which means they can impair a person’s listening abilities. Even small amounts of certain substances can alter someone’s perception, memory, or emotional regulation, which can disrupt their ability to engage meaningfully in a conversation.

How Can I Address These Barriers With My Partner?

My next blog post will address this in more depth, with specific communication strategies for couples, including tips and examples for each barrier listed here. The short answer is: be patient, be curious, be empathetic, be mindful. Remind yourself that barriers to communication aren’t always personal and may be outside of your partner’s control. It’s not realistic to assume anyone can offer their full attention at any moment. Be thoughtful about when and how you initiate conversations, and don’t be afraid to seek support from a couples therapist if you and your partner are really struggling.

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Listening is one of the most vulnerable and complex emotional skills in relationships, and the key to resolving most communication issues. We all want to feel heard, and yet so many factors – emotional, physical, psychological – can get in the way. Thankfully, you've already begun the simple but powerful first step: awareness. When we start to understand what blocks us from listening or being listened to, we can begin to shift the dynamic with our partner(s) and build more open, connected conversations.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.