A Therapist’s Guide to the Holidays After a Breakup or Divorce

The holiday season can bring a mix of emotions even in the best of years. After a breakup or divorce, those emotions often intensify. Many people feel caught off guard by how sharp their grief becomes when the decorations go up or the invitations start arriving. This is especially true after a significant loss such as gray divorce, when the end of a long term marriage reshapes not only the relationship but an entire life structure.

None of this is a sign that you are going backward. It is a natural response to loss, memory, and change.

As the founder of the Center for Growth and Connection, I help clients who are navigating breakups, divorce, and gray divorce. I see how often the holiday season magnifies the ache. It is common to wonder why you feel more emotional in November and December than you did a few months earlier. When we slow down and understand the context, it starts to make sense.

Why grief feels sharper during the holidays

Holiday rituals carry emotional meaning. They are tied to shared traditions, family stories, and images of how life was supposed to look. When a partner is no longer part of those rituals, the familiar landscape of the season can feel unfamiliar. The absence becomes louder; the loneliness feels wider. Even moments that appear joyful from the outside can bring up a quiet ache on the inside.

Grief often shows up in waves. During the holidays, those waves can come faster because the season tends to be sensory and symbolic. Lights, music, foods, routines, and gatherings all carry memory. For someone moving through a breakup, divorce, or gray divorce, each reminder can touch vulnerable places inside that still need care.

This is not a setback

Many clients tell me they felt like they were doing “better,” then felt blindsided by fresh pain during the holidays. It can be tempting to judge this as failure. In reality, it is your emotional system responding to a new set of triggers.

You can be relieved that the relationship ended and still feel deep sadness.

You can be grateful for your growth and still grieve the future you once imagined.

These emotional contradictions are part of healing, not evidence that you are stuck.

Supporting the younger parts of you

Holidays often activate younger parts of us that carry old feelings about belonging, abandonment, and being chosen. After a breakup or divorce, those parts can feel especially exposed.

You might notice thoughts like:
“Everyone else has someone.”
“I should be over this by now.”
“No one really wants me.”

Instead of pushing those thoughts away or criticizing yourself for having them, try treating them as signals from younger parts of you that are hurting. These parts need acknowledgment and warmth.

You might say to yourself:
“I know this is hard.”
“It makes sense that I feel this way right now.”

This kind of internal response is a form of inner child care. It helps your nervous system settle, even if the sadness is still there.

Allowing space for sadness without collapsing into it

Making room for grief does not mean spending the entire season in isolation. It also does not mean pretending everything is fine. There is a middle path.

You can:

• Set aside specific times or spaces to let yourself cry or journal
  
  
• Name your feelings with someone who feels safe
  
  
• Notice when you are reaching your limit and gently shift to a regulating activity

Think of it as giving sadness a structured place, rather than letting it take over every corner of your life.

Creating new rituals that meet you where you are

If your old traditions were shared with a partner, they may feel too painful to repeat in the same way this year. That does not mean those memories were meaningless. It simply means you are in a different season of life now.

New rituals do not erase the old ones. They help your emotional system adjust.

Some options:

• Taking a quiet walk and listening to music that soothes you
  
  
• Lighting a candle in honor of what you have lost and what you are slowly rebuilding
  
  
• Cooking a simple meal for yourself or with a trusted friend
  
  
• Choosing one small, gentle activity that feels like care rather than obligation

Your rituals do not need to look impressive. They only need to feel supportive and honest to you.

Boundaries around people, events, and conversations

After a breakup or gray divorce, social expectations can feel heavy. You may be asked questions you are not ready to answer, or invited to events that feel draining.

You are allowed to:

• Decline invitations that feel overwhelming
  
  
• Leave early if you notice your system getting overloaded
  
  
• Prepare a simple statement about your breakup or divorce that protects your privacy
  
  
• Choose just a few people with whom you share more of your inner world

Boundaries are not walls. They are ways of caring for the parts of you that are still tender.

Reaching for connection that feels safe

Connection can be an important part of healing after a breakup. The key is to reach for connection that feels steady, respectful, and chosen, rather than forced. Support might look like:

• A close friend who can sit with you without trying to “fix” your feelings
  
  
• Time with a family member who brings warmth and steadiness
  
  
• A therapist who specializes in breakups, divorce, or gray divorce and can help you navigate the emotional complexity of this season

At the Center for Growth and Connection, we work with many clients who are rebuilding life after the end of a relationship. Therapy offers a space where your grief, anger, confusion, and hope can all be welcomed and explored.

You are allowed to let this season look different

Healing after a breakup is not linear. Holidays may amplify the ache, but they can also offer an invitation to slow down, reconnect with yourself, and rebuild at a gentle pace. You are allowed to:

• Step away from traditions that no longer fit
  
  
• Create new rituals that support your emotional health
  
  
• Acknowledge your grief without labeling it as failure
  
  
• Ask for help when the weight feels too heavy to carry alone

If you are trying to navigate this season of your life on your own, please know that counseling after a breakup, divorce, or gray divorce, therapy can be a meaningful place to start that rebuilding. This season does not have to be perfect. It can be real, honest, and held with care. That is more than enough for now.

‍Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Growth and Connection, based in Pasadena, CA. Along with a team of trusted associates, CGC offers individual and couples therapy both in-person in Pasadena and Studio City, as well as secure telehealth sessions throughout California.