The holidays have a strange way of collapsing time. You can be a confident, capable adult all year long, and then suddenly find yourself sitting at a dinner table feeling defensive, small, overwhelmed, or invisible. Many people tell me, “I don’t recognize myself when I’m around my family during the holidays.”
From a nervous system and attachment perspective, this makes complete sense.
When we return to familiar environments or family dynamics, our brains often default to older neural pathways that were formed early in life. These pathways helped us adapt, belong, or survive in our families of origin. The holidays can activate those patterns quickly, especially when stress, expectations, and emotional history are layered together.
This is not regression. It is memory in the body.
Why You Can Suddenly Feel Like Your Younger Self Again
Our nervous systems are wired for efficiency. When we enter familiar relational environments, especially ones tied to early attachment experiences, the brain often reaches for what it already knows.
That can look like:
- Feeling like the responsible one who holds everything together
- Becoming quieter, more agreeable, or more reactive than usual
- Feeling easily criticized or overlooked
- Experiencing emotional responses that feel outsized or confusing
You are not actually twelve again. But a younger part of you may be activated, responding to cues that once mattered deeply.
Seeing Holiday Overwhelm as a Cue, Not a Failure
Many people judge themselves harshly when this happens. They think, “I should be over this by now,” or “Why am I so triggered?”
A more compassionate reframe is this: your nervous system is offering information.
Holiday overwhelm is often an invitation to curiosity rather than criticism. It is a signal that an older part of you is asking for care, safety, or reassurance.
Inner child work is not about reliving the past. It is about recognizing when a younger part is activated and responding from your present day self.
How to Recognize When a Younger Part Is Activated
Some common signs include:
- Strong emotional reactions that feel sudden or familiar
- A sense of shrinking, freezing, or needing approval
- Urges to people please, withdraw, or overfunction
- Thoughts like “I don’t matter” or “I need to keep the peace”
When you notice this, pause and gently ask yourself: “How old do I feel right now?”
That question alone can create space.
How to Support Yourself Instead of Criticizing Yourself
Once you notice a younger part is activated, the goal is not to make it go away. The goal is to orient back to the present.
You might try:
- Naming where you are and how old you are now
- Placing a hand on your body and taking a slow breath
- Silently offering reassurance like, “I’m here. I’ve got you.”
- Giving yourself permission to step away, set a boundary, or limit exposure
These small acts of attunement help your nervous system remember that you are no longer powerless or dependent.
Reframing Old Roles You’ve Outgrown
Outgrowing an old role does not mean it disappears instantly. It means you now have choice.
You can notice the impulse to step into the caretaker, the peacemaker, or the invisible one, and decide differently. That decision does not have to be dramatic. Sometimes it is simply choosing rest over responsibility, or honesty over silence.
This is what healing often looks like in real life.
Support for Navigating Family Dynamics in Pasadena
If family gatherings consistently leave you feeling dysregulated, conflicted, or emotionally depleted, therapy can help you understand what is being activated and why.
Many people seek therapy in Pasadena during the holidays to work on family of origin patterns, inner child work, and emotional regulation. The goal is not to fix your family, but to strengthen your relationship with yourself so old dynamics have less power over you.
About the Author
Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Growth and Connection, based in Pasadena, CA. Along with a team of trusted associates, CGC offers individual and couples therapy both in-person in Pasadena and Studio City, as well as secure telehealth sessions throughout California.
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About the Author
I love helping people experience more success in their relationships. So many individuals and couples come to me having had great success in their professional lives while struggling in their most important relationships. Whether I’m working with an individual or a couple, I help clients have healthier relationships with others and themselves, improve their connection with their partners, and become more effective at getting their relational needs met.
