Why the Holidays Trigger Relationship Conflict & How Couples Can Break the Cycle

The holidays have a way of turning up the volume in relationships. Even couples who generally feel solid can find themselves arguing more, misreading each other’s intentions, or feeling emotionally disconnected. I often hear couples say, “We were doing fine until the holidays hit.”

From an attachment-based lens, this makes sense. The holidays create pressure, fatigue, financial stress, and heightened expectations. All of that reduces our capacity to regulate emotions and makes familiar relationship patterns louder.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we call these patterns negative cycles. The cycle, not either partner, is the problem.

What a Negative Cycle Looks Like

A negative cycle is a predictable pattern couples fall into when attachment needs feel threatened.

One partner may pursue reassurance, closeness, or responsiveness. The other may withdraw, shut down, or become defensive to cope with feeling overwhelmed.

Both partners are reacting to vulnerability, but it looks like conflict on the surface.

Common examples include:

• One partner becomes anxious or critical when feeling unseen or unimportant
  
  
• The other pulls away to avoid conflict, emotional overload, or feeling like they are failing
  
  
• Both partners end up feeling misunderstood and alone

Over time, couples stop seeing each other and only see the pattern.

Why the Holidays Make the Cycle Louder

During the holidays, couples are often:

• Spending more time with extended family
  
  
• Navigating financial strain or travel stress
  
  
• Managing different expectations around traditions
  
  
• Losing access to routines that usually help with emotional regulation

When stress increases, nervous systems become activated. When nervous systems are activated, couples fall back into their most familiar attachment patterns.

This is why even couples who are deeply committed and emotionally intelligent can find themselves stuck in conflict during this season. It is not that the relationship is failing. It is that the cycle is running faster and louder than usual.

How Couples Can Slow the Cycle Long Enough to See Each Other Again

Slowing the cycle does not start with fixing the problem or winning the argument. It starts with awareness.

Step one: Name the pattern instead of blaming the person.
“We are in our holiday cycle again” lands very differently than “You always ruin the holidays.”

Step two: Pause long enough to identify what is underneath the reaction.
Criticism often hides fear of disconnection.
Withdrawal often hides overwhelm or fear of conflict.

Step three: Shift the conversation from content to connection.
Instead of arguing about plans, ask:
“What do you need from me right now to feel supported?”

These small pauses and moments of curiosity create just enough safety to interrupt the cycle.

A Gentle Reframe for Couples During the Holidays

You are not fighting because you are incompatible. You are fighting because something you both care about feels threatened.

When couples can see the cycle as the problem, they often soften toward each other. That softness is where repair begins.

This is the heart of attachment-based couples therapy. Helping partners move out of blame and back into connection, even during stressful seasons.

Support for Couples Navigating Holiday Stress in Pasadena

If you and your partner are finding that the holidays bring up more conflict, distance, or emotional reactivity, you are not alone. Many couples seek couples therapy in Pasadena during this time of year to better understand their patterns and learn how to navigate stress without turning on each other.

Working with a couples therapist can help you:

• Identify your negative cycle
  
  
• Understand the attachment needs underneath conflict
  
  
• Learn how to slow down reactive patterns
  
  
• Rebuild emotional safety and connection

The goal is not to eliminate stress, but to move through it together.

About the Author

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC, is a licensed therapist and the founder of the Center for Growth and Connection, a group therapy practice offering individual and couples therapy in Pasadena, CA. Michelle uses attachment-based therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and EMDR to help couples and individuals navigate relationship transitions, midlife change, and emotional healing.