Childhood Emotional Neglect: 6 Ways It Shows Up in Adult Relationships

Last week, I shared a post on our Instagram titled Things I Thought Were Normal Because I Grew Up With Them (plus some pretty awesome pictures from my high school prom and my punk phase). For those who can relate to some – or all – of those experiences: first off, I’m truly sorry. That’s not something any child deserves.

Secondly – there’s a real benefit to recognizing these patterns we still carry with us, even when it’s painful. And it will be painful. You’ll have to take a look at some old wounds – maybe ones that you covered up awhile ago, hoping time alone would heal them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work like that. We usually don’t just “outgrow” our childhood coping mechanisms – not without doing some work first. Recognizing these habits gives us a chance to ask ourselves: Is this behavior still needed? Or is it now actually doing more harm than good? Once we've answered this question, we can begin the process of letting go of old patterns that no longer serve us – while forming new ones that do.

We didn’t get to choose the family or childhood that we were born into, and we can’t change the past. However, as adults, we do have the choice to heal, and to surround ourselves with people who support us in that process. If this post hits close to home for you, please hear this – you deserved better then, and you deserve better now. 

Relationship Coping Strategies We Learned in Childhood (And How They Show Up Today)

Dismissing or Suppressing Your Feelings

If you grew up with caregivers who ignored, mocked, and/or downplayed your emotions, you probably assumed it was normal (maybe even healthy) to keep your feelings to yourself. In an emotionally neglectful home, we learned to see our emotions as unwanted burdens. You might still worry that expressing sadness, anger, or even more “positive” emotions like excitement or joy will lead to rejection or ridicule [1]. 

Please hear me: your feelings do matter. Being taught otherwise was a reflection of our environment, not our worth. Healthy relationships make room for feelings of all kinds, and seek to do so without judgement or criticism. 

People-Pleasing

Did you become the “peacemaker” early on? Were you always catering to others’ needs and moods? As a child, constantly pleasing a volatile parent or family member is a survival tactic – we kept them happy so we didn't get hurt or abandoned [2]. We grew up believing that putting ourselves last was necessary to keep relationships stable.

While generosity and kindness are positive traits, people-pleasing born out of fear is different. It erodes our sense of self, because we’re not acting from authenticity – we’re acting from anxiety. Even now, you might struggle to say “no” or feel guilty setting boundaries. 

You shouldn’t have to always be pleasant or palatable to be loved and accepted. Healthy relationships allow for disagreements, differences, bad days, and mistakes. 

Only Relying On Yourself to Meet Your Needs

Maybe you were praised for being “so independent” or chastised for being “too needy.” Over time, we learned it was safest to need nothing from anyone. Many children of emotional neglect grow into adults who believe they shouldn’t rely on others at all [1].

You might feel that asking for help or support is a sign of weakness, or worry that you’ll be a burden if you do. Hyper-independence can look “strong,” but it often comes from a place of fear – fear of vulnerability.

Believe it or not, it’s okay to have needs – all humans have them! It doesn’t make you “high-maintenance.” We deserved care as a child, and we still do now. Letting trustworthy people in and allowing yourself to receive (whether it’s help, comfort, or love) is not only normal, it’s part of healing our wounds.

Walking on Eggshells

In some families, the mood could change in an instant – anger, silence, or criticism appearing out of nowhere. If that was your childhood, you likely became an expert in staying invisible or avoiding conflict. Constant hyper-vigilance probably felt normal to you; maybe you were always scanning the room, adjusting your behavior, or “editing” your words to prevent an outburst [3]. Living in this unstable state taught us to suppress our own opinions and emotions to keep the peace.

Today, you may still find yourself very anxious when someone is upset – assuming you caused it or that it’s your job to fix it. This isn’t how healthy relationships work. As adults, we are all capable of managing our own emotions and behavior – getting upset is not an excuse to stop treating someone with respect. We deserve stability in our relationships. We deserve to relax and be ourselves, without fear of triggering rage or criticism.

Trying to “Earn” Love

Perhaps you grew up feeling that love and approval were conditional. Maybe you only got affection or praise when you achieved something: getting straight A’s, excelling at sports, or taking care of siblings. In childhood, we deeply crave our parents’ love and will do anything to secure it. If your caregivers made you feel you had to earn their love through performance or behavior, you likely internalized the idea that your worth is conditional and dependent on how “good” you are [4]. This can lead to perfectionism, people-pleasing (as mentioned), or tolerating unfair conditions in adult relationships. You might overwork, over-give, or accept only crumbs of love and affection, believing you haven’t earned any better.

Let’s clear this up: love is not a prize for good performance. We are all worthy of love and respect simply for who we are, mistakes and all. Healing involves challenging the belief that you’re not enough unless _________. You are enough –  right now, as you read this, regardless of who you are, what you’ve done or achieved. We deserve better than transactional love and affection.

Forming An Identity Around Others

When you spend your formative years being told who to be, or molding yourself to others’ expectations, you might reach adulthood feeling like you have no idea who you really are. Perhaps you adopted a sort of “false self” to please a parent who didn’t accept you as you were, or learned to mirror friends, partners, or siblings in order to belong. Now, you might struggle with decision-making, preferences, or self-worth because you weren’t really given the chance to develop your own identity. There’s a delay in knowing our own likes, dislikes, dreams, and values, because up until now we were always focused on what others wanted. This lost sense of self can be very painful.

But the comforting news is that your authentic self still exists. You can begin to rediscover your identity in small ways: What hobbies have always intrigued you? What opinions did you keep quiet because they differed from your family’s? Healing from this pattern means giving ourselves permission to learn, explore, and be, without apology. Little by little, you’ll start to reconnect with the things that make you feel good and comfortable in yourself.

Moving Forward

If any of these childhood experiences resonated with you, please know that you’re not alone, and that there’s no shame in having adopted these coping patterns. Recognizing them now is a courageous and crucial step toward healing.

The beautiful thing is that what we learn we can unlearn. With support, self-compassion, and sometimes professional guidance, it’s entirely possible to break these patterns and replace them with healthier ones [5]. You can build more secure relationships, reclaim your identity, and learn that your needs and feelings truly matter.

Give yourself – your child self and adult self – grace for the ways you’ve learned to survive. We are worthy of the kind of love and respect that wasn’t present in our childhoods – and we can start with showing love and respect for ourselves.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.

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Sources:

1. 6 Unhealthy Behaviors Caused by Childhood Emotional Neglect (Psychology Today)
2. People-Pleasing as a Symptom of Childhood Trauma (Psychology Today)
3. Walking on Eggshells (Psychology Today)
4. Conditional Love From Parents: A Poison That Eats Away At Your Core (Medium)
5. The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Identity and Self-Concept (The Mind Garden)

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