Healing Relationship Patterns with Couples Therapy in Pasadena

Last week, I shared a post on our Instagram titled Things I Thought Were Normal Because I Grew Up With Them (plus some pretty awesome pictures from my high school prom and my punk phase). For those who can relate to some – or all – of those experiences: first off, I’m truly sorry. That’s not something any child deserves.

Secondly – there’s a real benefit to recognizing these patterns we still carry with us, even when it’s painful. And it will be painful. You’ll have to take a look at some old wounds – maybe ones that you covered up awhile ago, hoping time alone would heal them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work like that. We usually don’t just “outgrow” our childhood coping mechanisms – not without doing some work first.

Recognizing these habits gives us a chance to ask ourselves: Is this behavior still needed? Or is it now actually doing more harm than good? Once we’ve answered this question, we can begin the process of letting go of old patterns that no longer serve us – while forming new ones that do.

At the Center for Growth and Connection, where we specialize in couples therapy in Pasadena and Encino, we often see how childhood coping patterns show up in adult relationships. Understanding them is the first step to creating healthier, more connected partnerships.

_{When Childhood Emotional Neglect Shows Up in Relationships}

If you grew up with caregivers who ignored, mocked, or downplayed your emotions, you may have assumed it was normal to keep your feelings to yourself. In an emotionally neglectful home, we learned to see our emotions as unwanted burdens.

As adults, this can look like avoiding vulnerability in your marriage or relationship. You may worry that expressing sadness, anger, or even joy will lead to rejection or ridicule.

In healthy partnerships — the kind we work to build in Pasadena couples counseling — there is room for all emotions, without judgment or criticism.

_{People-Pleasing and Its Impact on Couples}

Did you become the “peacemaker” early on? As children, people-pleasing was often a survival tactic: if we kept volatile parents happy, we stayed safe.

While generosity and kindness are beautiful traits, people-pleasing born from fear erodes relationships. In couples therapy, we often hear clients say they feel guilty setting boundaries or worry that saying “no” will upset their partner.

But real intimacy doesn’t require constant pleasantness. Love and connection grow stronger when both partners can bring their full selves — even on bad days.

_{Hyper-Independence and Couples Therapy}

Many of us were praised as kids for being “so independent” or criticized for being “too needy.” Over time, we learned it was safest to need nothing from anyone.

Now, that hyper-independence can sabotage adult relationships. You may believe it’s weak to lean on your partner, or fear that asking for help makes you a burden.

In marriage counseling in Pasadena, we help couples understand that needing support is part of secure attachment. True connection means both giving and receiving care.

_{Walking on Eggshells in Your Relationship}

In some families, the mood could change in an instant. If you grew up constantly scanning for danger, you might now find yourself anxious anytime your partner is upset.

This “walking on eggshells” dynamic leaves couples exhausted. You may assume it’s your job to fix everything or keep the peace.

Couples therapy in Pasadena provides a safe space to explore these patterns and create more stability, so you can relax and be yourself without fear of conflict.

_{Trying to Earn Love}

Perhaps you only received affection when you achieved something: straight A’s, excelling in sports, or taking care of siblings. That conditional love can lead to perfectionism or tolerating crumbs of affection in adulthood.

In therapy, we challenge this belief head-on: love is not something you earn. You are worthy of love and respect simply for who you are.

_{Rediscovering Your Authentic Self}

When you grow up molding yourself to meet others’ expectations, you may reach adulthood not knowing who you truly are.

Couples therapy often helps individuals reconnect with their identity — discovering hobbies, preferences, and dreams that were buried under years of people-pleasing or role-playing. Healing involves permission to be unapologetically you.

^{Moving Forward: Couples Therapy in Pasadena Can Help}

If any of these childhood experiences resonated with you, please know you’re not alone. Recognizing these coping patterns is an act of courage, and it’s also the first step toward change.

The beautiful truth is that what we learn, we can unlearn. With support, self-compassion, and sometimes professional guidance, it’s entirely possible to break free of old survival strategies and replace them with healthier ones.

At the Center for Growth and Connection, we specialize in helping clients create more secure, fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re seeking couples therapy in Pasadena or Encino or telehealth sessions anywhere in California, we’re here to support your journey.

Don’t suffer alone. Schedule your free consultation today and take the first step toward building the relationship you deserve.

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Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.

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Sources:

1. 6 Unhealthy Behaviors Caused by Childhood Emotional Neglect (Psychology Today)
2. People-Pleasing as a Symptom of Childhood Trauma (Psychology Today)
3. Walking on Eggshells (Psychology Today)
4. Conditional Love From Parents: A Poison That Eats Away At Your Core (Medium)
5. The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Identity and Self-Concept (The Mind Garden)

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