Communication Basics: Listening 101

"My partner doesn’t listen to me."

In the majority of the couples that I’ve worked with, at least one partner, if not both, has expressed this sentiment at some point. It’s frustrating, it’s demoralizing, it’s isolating – and oftentimes, it’s one of the biggest obstacles that couples face in resolving the issues that they came to therapy to treat. 

Today, we’re going back to the basics. I’m going to give you a brief overview of listening: what it is, why we don’t do it, why we should do it, and what being “good at it” means. I’m planning a series of blog posts on the topic of listening, so consider this an introduction. I’ve been wanting to focus on listening for two reasons: one, because it’s absolutely essential for communication, and two, because we can all be so damn bad at it. And, I guess, three – because it can really, really hurt when it feels like your partner isn’t listening.

Whether you’re here because you know you struggle with listening yourself, or because you’re at your wits end trying to get your partner to listen to you – understanding the basics is going to improve your and your partner’s communication immensely. Listening may feel like one of those very basic ideas (like, you either get it or you don’t) but the reality is, few of us were ever taught listening skills – so, yours might be rustier than you think. Even if you’re fully confident in your listening abilities, understanding the dynamics involved can help you be more aware and compassionate when communicating with others whose listening skills still might need some work.

What Is Listening? Listening vs. Hearing

You may have noticed the terms “heard” and “unheard” getting a lot of use recently, especially in therapy spaces. This usage can be confusing because it muddles the distinction between “hearing” and “listening”. Let’s talk about the difference between the two.

To “hear” someone or something is an automatic process of receiving sound, while “listening” involves intentionally directing your attention to that sound. Except for in the case of complete deafness, you’re always hearing – whether it be the hum of your refrigerator, a car honking outside, or someone having a conversation in the next room over. Chances are, you’re probably not listening to all of these sounds – especially if your attention is focused on something else, like reading the news or deciding what to eat. 

When someone says that they are feeling unheard in a relationship – usually what they really mean is that they’re feeling “not listened to”. Don’t get me wrong – there are certainly cases where an individual refuses to hear their partner – they could walk away when their partner tries to come to them with their feelings, or shut them down instantly with a remark. They aren’t hearing their partner because they’re actually trying to stop, in whatever way they do it, the sound of the partner’s words from reaching their ears – other examples of this would be blasting music, putting headphones in, or covering one’s ears with their hands.

More often in therapy, I see partners struggling with listening. When I have a couple sitting in front of me in the therapy room, it’s likely that they are both hearing the words that come out of each other’s mouths – they don’t really have much of a choice. Listening, however, is a different story.

I think it’s important to clarify the technical definitions of the two words, because in certain contexts making the distinction is important. However, I don’t actually have any problem with the use of the word “heard” to mean “listened to”; in fact, for the sake of resonating with those who understand “heard” and “unheard” to mean “listened to” and “unlistened to”, I will be using the terms in this common, though technically incorrect, way for the rest of the blogpost. Basically, since we’re going to be focusing on listening, not hearing, in this post – you can assume from here on out that the latter is always referring to the former.

Okay – So Why is Listening So F*cking Hard?

If listening is simply directing your attention to a sound – why is listening such a common issue in relationships? After all, we practice listening all the time: listening to the lyrics of our favorite song, listening for the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway, listening to the waiter explain their daily specials, etc.

Well, the short answer is that when a conversation has stakes, listening becomes a lot trickier. I’m going to go more into depth on some common barriers to listening in my next post, but there’s a single thread that connects most of those barriers: emotions. Strong or unregulated emotions can suddenly make attention management very, very difficult – I mean, just think about a time when you were supposed to be paying attention to something important at work or school but you were, say, dealing with the grief of a break up or feeling worried about a friend. 

Obviously, conversations with our partners can get very emotional, especially the ones in which listening is theoretically the most important. However, notably, emotional responses that impair listening in a conversation may not even be directly related to the conversation itself. As in the example above, emotions about other things going on in your life can make listening to your partner, even about something very simple or neutral, extra challenging. 

Difficulty listening can also be a result of more general attention issues, like in the case of individuals with ADHD. Sometimes, a simple lack of awareness around certain communication skills is a significant barrier to listening. 

On Being a “Good Listener”

Listening and being a “good listener” are sometimes two very different things. For example, someone could parrot someone’s words back to them and then immediately forget them, and this would still be considered “listening” by the most technical definition. The truth is: listening, like all good words, has different definitions that apply in different contexts. When we use the word “listen” in a relational context – when we say we want someone to listen to us – we usually mean listen well. We want our partners to be good listeners – and that likely means not just repeating our words back to us, but actually internalizing them, at the bare minimum.

What else makes a good listener in a relationship? The answer, really, is up to each individual themself. Here are some traits that are commonly associated with being a “good listener” – you and your partner can decide for yourselves which ones resonate with each of you:

• Showing particular bodily signs of attentiveness; some common ones are eye contact and head nodding
• Waiting until the other person is fully finished speaking before responding; avoiding interrupting; leaving space for one to finish their thoughts; asking if the other person is finished speaking
• Reacting with emotion, auditorily or with body language, to what the person is saying
• Withholding emotional reactions
• Asking clarifying questions
• Demonstrating comprehension through rephrashing: “So you’re saying ________. Is that right?”
• An ability to respond immediately in a way that matches the needs and desires of the person speaking; for example offering validation, offering or withholding advice or opinions
• Remembering what was said and being able to recall it or respond to it in the future; for example changing your current behavior in accordance to a person’s past request

Why Does Listening Matter? Benefits of Improving Your Listening Skills

Obviously, you can’t communicate with your partner without listening. But why does being intentional about listening – practicing listening skills in general, learning what makes your partner feel heard, trying to listen to your partner even when it’s hard – matter? Here are a few things you and your partner can expect as you learn to listen to each other better:

Better conflict resolution – less miscommunications; more empathy, compassion, and compromise.

Stronger emotional connection – knowing each other better; increased intimacy; a feeling of companionship rather than competition.

More fulfillment in the relationship – feeling seen and understood by your partner; tending to each other’s needs better.

A Last Note On Listening & Vulnerability

Sometimes, convincing your partner to listen can feel like trying to convince them to care about you – but it’s important to know that they likely don’t see it this way. Listening requires vulnerability, and vulnerability can feel incredibly scary – especially, although not exclusively, for those with avoidant attachment styles. 

If you’re feeling unheard by your partner – I feel you, and I know how painful it is. One blog post isn’t going to change everything, but I do hope that the more I write about the topic, the more understanding we can all build – about not only how to listen, but also all the reasons why people don’t listen – reasons other than they just don’t care. Believe me, you deserve to feel heard, and you shouldn’t settle for less. But, understanding that there might be deeply emotional reasons that your partner is struggling to listen might help ease some of the pain and frustration during this process. 

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So, now you know all there is to know about listening!

Just kidding. Remember how I said this is just the basics? Listening is somehow both such a simple and such a deeply complex, deeply personal topic. But it’s a topic really worth exploring – practicing more awareness around listening can transform your relationships of any kind. Stay tuned for our next couple blog posts that will continue to delve into the subject, including “‘Why Aren’t You Hearing Me?’ Ten Reasons Your Partner Isn’t Listening” and “Why It Doesn’t Feel Like Your Partner is Listening – Even When They Say They Are”. 

If you and your partner are struggling with listening, couples therapy can help. Click the button below to schedule a free consultation with one of our relationship counselors today.