Understanding New Relationship Energy: What It Is and How to Navigate It

Spring is upon us, and the change of seasons brings a familiar euphoria: the luxury of daylight that lasts till dinner time, the chatter of birds returned with many stories to share, the color returning to the trees and to the bushes. These cues always conjure up a particular spring, many years ago (like, many years ago), when I fell in love. There’s a synchronicity to falling in love in the springtime – this feeling of being newly alive along with all the fresh blossoms, a music quite like birdsong in your chest. New love, like spring weather, fills you with this resilient joy – the usual burdens suddenly matter very little, because the sun is warm and soft and the air is deliciously fresh, and everything is just right. 

Have you experienced this feeling? I don't mean the start of springtime, but the euphoric pleasure of a new love. If you have, you may be interested to know there’s a term for it: New Relationship Energy. 

New relationship energy, or NRE, is a term commonly used in the polyamorous community, but is definitely applicable to monogamous and non-monogamous folks alike. It’s also commonly referred to as the “honeymoon phase”. Understanding new relationship energy will help you normalize, manage, and maybe even further enjoy this sometimes overwhelming but sublime experience. In the case of non-monogamous relationships, understanding new relationship energy is essential in managing both new and existing relationships. Even if you’re in a longterm monogamous relationship, understanding NRE can help you view your relationship more realistically.

If you’re worried that you’re falling in love too fast, looking for advice on navigating new love, or trying to unpack emotional intensity in new relationships, a better understanding of new relationship energy will be helpful.

What is New Relationship Energy Exactly?

New relationship energy describes a unique experience at the beginning of a new romantic relationship. It involves feelings of excitement and euphoria and can feel like somewhat of an obsession with your new partner. You may find yourself thinking about your new partner all the time, wanting to spend all your time with them/bring them into everything you do, and talking about them endlessly to others. You may feel a strong desire to get to know everything about them, to be very affectionate, physical, and/or sexual with them, and even to take big relationship steps or make commitments to them very quickly. You may feel the impulse to prioritize the new relationship over other things in your life that are/were previously important to you. 

The Psychology Behind NRE

Underneath all the romantic and poetic stuff about new love is chemistry. Brain chemistry, more specifically. fMRI studies have shown that falling in love causes the brain to release lots of dopamine (the “feel-good” hormone), adrenaline (responsible for the euphoric feeling) and oxytocin (a hormone heavily involved in bonding) [Source]. There is less activity in the prefrontal cortex, which helps with decision-making and personal judgement [Source]. So: you’re feeling really good, and your new partner is looking very good (as in, you’re less sensitive to their “flaws”). It makes sense that you’ll want to spend lots and lots of time with them: to receive more of the reward system chemicals, and because you view them very positively, in a way that may elevate them over others in your life at the moment. Additionally, oxytocin – which is shown to exist in higher levels at the beginning of a relationship – can elevate attention, encourage communication, and enhance empathy, all things that can make a relationship feel happy and easygoing [Source]. The lack of activation in the judgement-making parts of your brain may mean that you’re willing to sacrifice things that are usually important to you in order to spend time with that person, like sleep, exercise, work or school, other relationships, etc.

Another element at play here is novelty. Novel experiences also cause the brain to release dopamine [Source]. This explains the excitement that comes with dating someone new – because you don’t know them that well yet, their behavior and reactions are less predictable, which the brain finds very stimulating and interesting. You may find that even mundane events like running errands feel thrilling when you do them with your new love – although the environment and task are nothing new, it's a chance to observe your new partner in an environment you haven't seen them in before, as well as show a new side of yourself, too.

The Pros of New Relationship Energy

Your brain releases all those aforementioned behavior-motivating chemicals for a reason – to help us form lasting bonds with our partners. Many of the behaviors that typically come along with NRE can help create a healthy foundation that lasts beyond these beginning stages of the relationship. NRE motivates new couples to spend lots of time together, which builds emotional closeness quickly. The combination of an enhanced ability for communication and empathy plus a decrease in judgement-related brain activity can allow partners to be authentically vulnerable with each other more easily. Sexual connection is enhanced, and the higher oxytocin levels may even result in more intense orgasms [Source]. In summary, new relationship energy motivates us to invest in our relationship, which can hopefully become a long-term connection. 

The other benefit of new relationship energy is that it feels really freaking good. All those nice chemicals can boost your mood and enhance your overall well-being. You may feel a fresh new excitement for the world, which can encourage you to partake in new experiences. In the case of poly relationships, new relationship energy can benefit your pre-existing relationships – the good feelings and excitement may motivate you to re-invest or re-ignite a waned passion. 

The Potential Pitfalls of NRE

As wonderful as NRE feels, it’s important to be aware of its potential negative consequences as well. As I mentioned before, falling in love can reduce activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is a part of the brain that is important for evaluating others. While this can be helpful in some ways – allow us to be more compassionate and less judgmental towards our partner’s mistakes and potential “flaws” – it could also potentially lead to one ignoring significant relationship red flags or overlooking compatibility issues. Even if your partner isn’t displaying any major red flags, the idealization that can occur as a result of reduced judgement might prevent you from forming a realistic view of your partner. If left unchecked, this may set you up for disappointment and even uncertain feelings about the relationship later on as the NRE fades and your projection fades with it. 

Another potential pitfall of NRE is the temptation to neglect your other relationships and/or responsibilities. The intense desire you feel to spend time with your partner may lead you to over-prioritize them, which can have adverse effects on your health, professional life, and family/friendly/romantic relationships. Especially in non-monogamous relationships, experiencing NRE with a new partner may make it challenging to give adequate time and attention to existing partnerships. 

Because of the way that NRE affects decision making, you must be careful about making big decisions surrounding your new partner during this period. Some may interpret the experience of NRE (all the good feelings and ease) as evidence that the relationship is certain to work out, but the reality is that you probably don’t have enough information and experience yet to justify that conclusion. Big decisions like moving in together, adopting a pet or planning a family, or getting married are probably best reserved until after some of the fog of NRE has faded (this isn’t to say making those decisions early on will always lead to regret – but judgement is certainly somewhat impaired by NRE).

How to Navigate NRE Mindfully

Learning about new relationship energy and how it works is a great start to navigating NRE mindfully; it will help you understand your own experience better and hopefully prevent misinterpretations. Practicing self-awareness and reflection will further help you manage NRE appropriately. Taking up journaling during this time may be especially helpful. Click here for a pdf with some questions you can ask yourself to encourage self-reflection in the midst of NRE.

You may be feeling anxious, embarrassed or guilty about experiencing NRE, especially if you have other long-term partners with whom the NRE has already faded. Perhaps you feel fear around the intensity of your emotions and worry that your partner doesn’t feel the same way. Sometimes, NRE is met with jealousy or annoyance from others when it’s outwardly expressed. All of these things can lead to shame, which encourages us to hide our feelings. However, open communication about your experience can be so helpful for navigating NRE mindfully, especially with existing partners, and ideally with your new partner, too. Hopefully understanding the biology and chemistry behind NRE can help assure you that it is a common and expected experience, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, many people are unaware of NRE as a studied phenomenon, and your expressions of joy and excitement may be triggering to them, especially if they are dealing with their own insecurities or loneliness.

Try to find someone trusted who you can process your NRE with – if they aren’t aware of NRE already, you can send them this article as a place to start. For those in non-monogamous relationships, I really recommend finding people to share your NRE with other than solely your other partner(s), such as friends or family members. If you’re not sure who to talk to, a therapist can help you process your experiences and respond mindfully.

Being honest and communicative about your NRE with your new partner can help you both manage your behaviors and expectations. It will help assure the both of you that slowing things down isn’t coming from a lack of desire for each other, but instead a thoughtful and responsible way of managing all the excitement. Communication in general is so essential for maintaining healthy relationships, so establishing those habits now will absolutely set you up for success in the long run.

When to Seek Support

Below are some signs that new relationship energy may be causing confusion, conflict, or unhealthy behavior.

• Some part of you feels like things are moving too fast, but you ignore it.

• You’re dismissing your own or others' concerns about possible red flags or incompatibilities. 

• You’re dismissing others' concerns that you’re moving too fast; you become activated or defensive when someone tries to start a conversation about your pace.

• Your mood fluctuates dramatically in response to matters of your new relationship, even small ones.

• You’re experiencing significant anxiety or obsessive thinking to the point of discomfort.

• You’re prioritizing the relationship at the expense of all else. 

• You’re having a hard time making sense of your own feelings and experiences due to the intensity. 

• You’re avoiding conflict or serious conversations with your new partner.

• You find it very hard to say no to your new partner. 

• You find it very hard to set or maintain boundaries with your partner.  

• You’re repeating a pattern of behavior that you’ve seen before – a cycle of idealizing, fast attachment, and eventual disillusionment.
  

Individual therapy for relationship anxiety can help you work through these concerns and manage overwhelming emotions. If you and your new partner are struggling with taking things slow or feeling unsure about whether or not you’re taking things at a healthy pace, relationship counseling can help you respond to these anxieties and find clarity; really, it’s never too early to seek therapy for new relationships if it feels needed. 

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Here’s my final piece of early relationship advice: don’t let fear of or over-intellectualizing about NRE ruin the experience of it. We can study all the processes and evolutionary purposes of falling in love all day long, but in the end – it’s just one of those really wonderful, strange, powerful human experiences that will sometimes make us behave in bizarre and illogical ways no matter how bizarre and illogical we know we’re being. Enjoy your bliss like a perfect early-spring day, and savor it till this season inevitably shifts into the next.